Llamas Can be Dangerous
by Steve Gower
Summary: Llamas and Mulder high on Acid. Well not quite(Mulder isn't high at all), but it's hard to summarize without giving away the whole story. Oh, and there's a slight typo in there(agennt)..dunno how it happened, just noticed...oops is all I can say. More


Llamas Can be Dangerous  
An X-Files Fan Fiction by The Nicotine Gum Chewing Man(steve@ottawastart.com)  
  
  
John Phillips backed away from the shadowy figure in fear. He was  
frightened and scared.  
  
"No! Stay away!" he yelled out, but the shadowy figure kept pressing  
on. Suddenly, Phillips let out a scream as the camera panned away,  
focusing on an abstract object.  
  
* * *  
  
"I've got him!" Mulder yelled out.  
  
"He's getting away, Mulder!" Scully yelled back.  
  
"No, no, I've got him!"  
  
"Mulder, hang on!"  
  
"No, I've lost him." Mulder slumped back in his seat.  
  
"Listen, Mulder..." Scully started. "I appreciate you taking me fishing,  
but do you think you could actually catch something?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Scully, but I - " Mulder was interrupted by the jolly  
musical ring of his cell phone, to the tune of 'The Flying Theme' from  
"E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial." "Agennt Mulder," he answered.  
  
A filtered voice, that of A.D. Walter Skinner, responded. "Agent Mulder,  
put me on speaker phone."  
  
"But I don't have a speaker phone on a cell phone."  
  
"Do you have earphones?"  
  
"Well, yeah."  
  
"Then put them in and share them with Agent Scully."  
  
"Ok." Mulder fumbled in his pockets until he found a pair of earphones.  
"Go ahead, Skinner."  
  
"Agents Mulder and Scully, your mission, should you choose to accept  
it, is to solve a murder case.  
  
"You need to catch a flight out to...Iowa. Umm...just go to that last  
Iowa city you went to.  
  
"You have as long as you feel you need to complete this case. By the  
way, I really mean 72 hours. And you have to accept it.  
  
"Due to budget cuts, this cell phone will not self-distruct. If you  
want to simulate that, smash it with a hammer." Skinner's voice cut  
to a dial tone.  
  
"Well, Scully, let's go to," Mulder mumbled something, "Iowa!"  
  
***  
  
Mulder and Scully's plane landed in *mumble*, Iowa.  
  
***  
  
"I'm Agent Mulder, and this is Agent Scully." Mulder flashed his badge,  
and then put his clothes back on. He showed his badge to the police.  
  
"And this is CNN," James Earl Jones' voice came from nowhere.  
  
"Sorry, that was the TV from the car. Plus every good fiction has  
to have a James Earl Jones reference in it," Scully explained. "Officer,  
can you show us the body?"  
  
"Sure, it's right this way." The experienced police officer led the  
two agents around a path through a forest. "A man was found dead."  
  
"How was he killed?"  
  
"Well, I'm way too lazy to tell you myself, so I'll just show you the  
body."  
  
Finally, they were led to the body. Scully put on some rubber gloves  
and poked the body.  
  
"Eww! Cooties!" Mulder exclaimed. Mulder then remembered he was out  
of character. "I mean, he must have gone through agonizing, excrutiating  
pain. Look at the face!"  
  
"Tobacco beetles again, Mulder?"  
  
"No, my lungs are fine. Oh, you mean - no; it must be acid - his face  
is glowing like science-fact acid should."  
  
"You're right, it is." Scully glanced around. "Hey, Mulder? Aren't those  
llama tracks?"  
  
"You're right, they are. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Scully?"  
  
"Sure, but I don't see how a salamander riding a llama could spray  
acid on a man's face."  
  
"No, Scully, the llama spit the acid at this man."  
  
"But llamas don't spit acid, Mulder."  
  
"Can you offer any other explanation?"  
  
"Yes! Someone, riding a llama, threw acid on a man's face."  
  
"But that doesn't make any sense! Remember, this is the X-Files! We  
don't get cases where wierd stuff like that happens! We get the normal  
stuff!"  
  
"What *is* normal, Mulder? Is it- " Scully cut herself off, and  
tears streamed down her face. "I just...get so emotional during generic  
sad scenes!"  
  
"But...we haven't reached one of those scenes yet."  
  
"Oh...well...shut-up." Scully turned around while she stopped herself  
from crying. "Ok, ok, let's just look at the facts."  
  
"All we have is llama tracks and science-fact acid traces. Let's go  
arrest the llama!"  
  
"Hold it, Mulder! We need to let more people die so we can gradually  
gather more clues, first."  
  
"Oh yeah, I forgot the standard procedure."  
  
"Let's get to the Rent-a-Mobile!" Scully yelled out.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well that's what it *is*. We rented this car at the airport."  
  
"Oh yeah...well let's get back to the motel."  
  
***  
  
"Yes, that's correct, another murder." the filtered voice of the  
sherrif sounded on the phone.  
  
"Was it like the other murder?" Mulder asked.  
  
"Well what do you think? I wouldn't call you if it was a gun or  
knife wound."  
  
"Ok, ok, just tell me where to go." Mulder listened as the sherrif  
told him the address. Mulder hung up the phone. "Ok, we're going to  
see another body."  
  
"Oh goodiee!" Scully jumped up and down with glee.  
  
***  
  
***  
  
"Look, Scully!" Mulder exclaimed. "The llama tracks don't just disappear  
this time!"  
  
"Let's follow!" Scully yelled out, despite the fact that there was absolutely  
no reason to.  
  
The two spectacular agents kept running, following the llama tracks. But  
because they were running so fast, they lost sight of the tracks. But the  
llama was standing in front of them, so it was ok.  
  
"See, Scully? There's no one with this llama!" Mulder squealed.  
  
"All right, Mulder, I believe you. Now be careful."  
  
"Don't worry, Scully, I know what I'm doing!" Mulder promptly walked into  
a tree and fell. Silly Mulder.  
  
"I guess I have to do this myself." Scully whipped a tranquilizer gun  
out of nowhere and shot the llama. "Take that, you acid-spitting llama!  
Bwahahahahahahahaha!"  
  
***  
  
"You're going away for a loooooong time, llama!" Scully said.  
  
"Scully, it's a llama, not a person." Mulder said, holding ice to his  
head.  
  
"Right...so what happens now?"  
  
"It'll probably get put down. Or studied."  
  
"Umm, how do we end this case, anyway?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"I could try screaming something and make an attempt to seem emotional."  
  
"Good idea. Go ahead!"  
  
"Nooo! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" Scully screamed at the top of her lungs.  
  
THE END  
  
Other fics like this can be seen at http://msbogus.gq.nu!  



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